30th January 2023
HEY! HEY! HEY! How the hell ya doin’? Since last we encountered – we unleashed’ the Secret Cheese An’ Pickle Sandwich Club T-shirt! They said it couldn’t be done! They said it SHOULDN’T be done!! Yet, there it is! And, it’s been sellin’ like hot cakes! Which is ironic, when we’d prefer it sold like cheese an’ pickle sarnies!! As for our NEXT shirt, you crazy kids on the street livin’ yer alt.lifestyles seem to want either ‘Sk8er Bitch’ or me an’ Web tradin’ DNA. MMM-WAH! We’ll see. Stay tuned! Dream the impossible! Expect the unexpected! Cheese an’ pickle sandwich makers shall inherit the Earth! Etc.
FALL OUT BOY. Messin’ about on the Rivers!
Ooh, well, whaddaya know, ANOTHER new single from the cheeky pop-punkies – ‘Heartbreak Feels So Good’. And the accompanyin’ vid feels pretty good too, as all manner of hilarity ensues as our zeroes fuck-up after a ‘prank’ kidnappin’ of Rivers Cuomo goes all Pete Tong. A back-alley fight! A race through a funky market! Leapin’ from roof tops! Pete Wentz’ platinum blonde locks blowin’ every which way but loose in glorious slow-motion! Why, kids, it’s everythin’ you could want from a comedy/action vid and more! Plus, if you listen very closely, there’s even the afore mentioned song underneath. Genius!
MACHINE GUN KELLY. Razzie dazzle! The Rap-Rock rascal has been nominated by the Razzies for Worst Director and Worst Actor for his stoner comedy flick Good Mourning, along with…other categories too mentionable to numerate. But, y’know, I caught the trailer, and I thought it looked pretty funny in a sub-Kevin Smith kinda way. So, I say, an Oscar nom for the guy who cut the trailer! It’s an art form in itself, y’know – those bastard trailer guys have duped me outta HOURS of my life!!!
SWOLLEN TEETH. Who are these masked men? Slipknot DJ Sid Wilson discovered the mystery geezers – Megaa, Sun, Skutch an’ HOG – on Instagram an’ took ‘em under his wing. Bless. Anyways, the debut toon ‘Swollenteeth’ an’ video will rip yer face off old school ‘Knot style! An’ then, natch, it’ll drill mercilessly into yer skull, before suckin’ out yer grey matter an’ spittin’ it into a food mixer! Type thing. An’ dig those flashes of red among the monochromatic vid! An’ did I mention the the buckets of fire! Yep, this one’s got it all! Although, listenin’ to the damage the vocalist is doin’ to his larynx – I wouldn’t put any serious bets on Swollen Teeth’s longevity…
MÅNESKIN. All white on the night! Anythin’ for attention some people – and, of course, to celebrate the release of new opus ‘Rush’, the fabulous four got spliced in a four-way wedding ceremony, complete with giant black cake. As you do. Big obvz! In attendance, was the ubiquitous Machine Gun Kelly. No word yet, as to wether he will be voted Worst Ever Wedding Guest.
DEE SNIDER. Note: not ’Snyder’ – turns out he’s touchy ‘bout that…! The Twisted Sister frontman reveals he’s got a coupla new projects on the go; a novel(note: not a cologne…) about ‘toxic masculinity’ and an animated TV show for kids! On his enterprisin’ endeavours, says our Dee, “I’m like a shark – if it stops swimming and moving forward, it will die!”. Erm. I get his dramatic analogy, but, for scientific and biologic accuracy, it should be pointed out, that this factor only applies to sharks that do not possess the luxury of buccal pumpin’. For example, a Tiger Shark CAN rest quite happily on the ocean floor. Anyways, continues he, ”The novel is a ’70s period piece coming-of-age story. And, as for the other thing – if you’d told me 40 years ago that one day I’m going to be making an animated kids’ TV show, I would’ve literally had a fist fight with you!”. Good advice for time travellers! And, Dee, if you ever wanna write a book on sharks – you know where to reach me.THE DARKNESS. Loony tunes! On the creation of the Darkness classic ‘I Believe In A thing Called Love’, flamboyant frontman Justin reveals, “Things that are cartoonish and ridiculous – that’s my raison d’être. The ridiculous things that the Darkness do are tempered by Dan’s(guitarist and brother) actual good taste! For me to be turned on, it’s gotta have something in it that makes him go, ‘You can’t do that!’ “. Totally relate to Justin’s thinkin’! ‘Cartoonish and ridiculous’ – Blood & Peroxide in a nutshell!!
MICHAEL MONROE. Takin’ the Michael! Rock ’n’ roll survivor an’ saviour Michael’s new vid for ‘I Live Too Fast Too Die Young’ is a tongue-in-cheek swipe at the hackneyed Too Fast To Live,Too Fast To Die adage an’ features a scorchin’ solo from the Cat In The Hat – Slash! An’, y’gotta check out the vid, if only to see a motorway disappearin’ into the ample Monroe gob! ZOOM! ‘Course, it’s the kinda regulation Jack-fuelled trashy punk ’n’ roll toon that the likes of he an’ Backyard Babies probably bash out every five minutes in the rehearsal studio, but… it’s just so much fuckin’ FUN! An’ sooooo catchy! I LIVE TOO FAST TO DIE YOUNG! I LIVE TOO FAST TO DIE YOUNG! I LIVE TOO FAST TO DIE YOUNG! I LIVE TOO FAST TO DIE YOUNG! See, yer chantin’ it already, an’ you ain’t even heard it yet!!!
WINGER. Slack attack! It’s been said before and it’s worth sayin’ again. And again. And probably again. But…did MTV animated slackers Beavis & Butt-Head really destroy, wreck and obliterate Winger’s career? There was this ‘uncool’ kid featured, called Stuart, who always wore a Winger T-shirt…and even his parents an’ dog wore one! Recollects former Winger guitarist Reb Beach,”We had to cancel our tour – because people wouldn’t be caught dead at a Winger show!”. ‘Course, it didn’t help havin’ a singer called ‘Kip’. I mean, how excitin’ is a frontman gonna be who’s named after an afternoon nap?! And, let this be a lesson to bands out there at the might and influence of the cartoon character! I mean, look at ME back in my Kerrang! comic-strip daze – who do you think was single-handedly responsible for the demise of Brit-rockers Skin an’ Little Angels!? Eh? Eh? I HAVE THE POWERRRRRR!