Pandora FEEM TOON
30th January 2023
30th January 2023
HEY! HEY! HEY! How the hell ya doin’? Since last we encountered – we unleashed’ the Secret Cheese An’ Pickle Sandwich Club T-shirt! They said it couldn’t be done! They said it SHOULDN’T be done!! Yet, there it is! And, it’s been sellin’ like hot cakes! Which is ironic, when we’d prefer it sold like cheese an’ pickle sarnies!! As for our NEXT shirt, you crazy kids on the street livin’ yer alt.lifestyles seem to want either ‘Sk8er Bitch’ or me an’ Web tradin’ DNA. MMM-WAH! We’ll see. Stay tuned! Dream the impossible! Expect the unexpected! Cheese an’ pickle sandwich makers shall inherit the Earth! Etc.
FALL OUT BOY. Messin’ about on the Rivers!
Ooh, well, whaddaya know, ANOTHER new single from the cheeky pop-punkies – ‘Heartbreak Feels So Good’. And the accompanyin’ vid feels pretty good too, as all manner of hilarity ensues as our zeroes fuck-up after a ‘prank’ kidnappin’ of Rivers Cuomo goes all Pete Tong. A back-alley fight! A race through a funky market! Leapin’ from roof tops! Pete Wentz’ platinum blonde locks blowin’ every which way but loose in glorious slow-motion! Why, kids, it’s everythin’ you could want from a comedy/action vid and more! Plus, if you listen very closely, there’s even the afore mentioned song underneath. Genius!
MACHINE GUN KELLY. Razzie dazzle! The Rap-Rock rascal has been nominated by the Razzies for Worst Director and Worst Actor for his stoner comedy flick Good Mourning, along with…other categories too mentionable to numerate. But, y’know, I caught the trailer, and I thought it looked pretty funny in a sub-Kevin Smith kinda way. So, I say, an Oscar nom for the guy who cut the trailer! It’s an art form in itself, y’know – those bastard trailer guys have duped me outta HOURS of my life!!!
SWOLLEN TEETH. Who are these masked men? Slipknot DJ Sid Wilson discovered the mystery geezers – Megaa, Sun, Skutch an’ HOG – on Instagram an’ took ‘em under his wing. Bless. Anyways, the debut toon ‘Swollenteeth’ an’ video will rip yer face off old school ‘Knot style! An’ then, natch, it’ll drill mercilessly into yer skull, before suckin’ out yer grey matter an’ spittin’ it into a food mixer! Type thing. An’ dig those flashes of red among the monochromatic vid! An’ did I mention the the buckets of fire! Yep, this one’s got it all! Although, listenin’ to the damage the vocalist is doin’ to his larynx – I wouldn’t put any serious bets on Swollen Teeth’s longevity…
MÅNESKIN. All white on the night! Anythin’ for attention some people – and, of course, to celebrate the release of new opus ‘Rush’, the fabulous four got spliced in a four-way wedding ceremony, complete with giant black cake. As you do. Big obvz! In attendance, was the ubiquitous Machine Gun Kelly. No word yet, as to wether he will be voted Worst Ever Wedding Guest.
DEE SNIDER. Note: not ’Snyder’ – turns out he’s touchy ‘bout that…! The Twisted Sister frontman reveals he’s got a coupla new projects on the go; a novel(note: not a cologne…) about ‘toxic masculinity’ and an animated TV show for kids! On his enterprisin’ endeavours, says our Dee, “I’m like a shark – if it stops swimming and moving forward, it will die!”. Erm. I get his dramatic analogy, but, for scientific and biologic accuracy, it should be pointed out, that this factor only applies to sharks that do not possess the luxury of buccal pumpin’. For example, a Tiger Shark CAN rest quite happily on the ocean floor. Anyways, continues he, ”The novel is a ’70s period piece coming-of-age story. And, as for the other thing – if you’d told me 40 years ago that one day I’m going to be making an animated kids’ TV show, I would’ve literally had a fist fight with you!”. Good advice for time travellers! And, Dee, if you ever wanna write a book on sharks – you know where to reach me.THE DARKNESS. Loony tunes! On the creation of the Darkness classic ‘I Believe In A thing Called Love’, flamboyant frontman Justin reveals, “Things that are cartoonish and ridiculous – that’s my raison d’être. The ridiculous things that the Darkness do are tempered by Dan’s(guitarist and brother) actual good taste! For me to be turned on, it’s gotta have something in it that makes him go, ‘You can’t do that!’ “. Totally relate to Justin’s thinkin’! ‘Cartoonish and ridiculous’ – Blood & Peroxide in a nutshell!!
MICHAEL MONROE. Takin’ the Michael! Rock ’n’ roll survivor an’ saviour Michael’s new vid for ‘I Live Too Fast Too Die Young’ is a tongue-in-cheek swipe at the hackneyed Too Fast To Live,Too Fast To Die adage an’ features a scorchin’ solo from the Cat In The Hat – Slash! An’, y’gotta check out the vid, if only to see a motorway disappearin’ into the ample Monroe gob! ZOOM! ‘Course, it’s the kinda regulation Jack-fuelled trashy punk ’n’ roll toon that the likes of he an’ Backyard Babies probably bash out every five minutes in the rehearsal studio, but… it’s just so much fuckin’ FUN! An’ sooooo catchy! I LIVE TOO FAST TO DIE YOUNG! I LIVE TOO FAST TO DIE YOUNG! I LIVE TOO FAST TO DIE YOUNG! I LIVE TOO FAST TO DIE YOUNG! See, yer chantin’ it already, an’ you ain’t even heard it yet!!!
WINGER. Slack attack! It’s been said before and it’s worth sayin’ again. And again. And probably again. But…did MTV animated slackers Beavis & Butt-Head really destroy, wreck and obliterate Winger’s career? There was this ‘uncool’ kid featured, called Stuart, who always wore a Winger T-shirt…and even his parents an’ dog wore one! Recollects former Winger guitarist Reb Beach,”We had to cancel our tour – because people wouldn’t be caught dead at a Winger show!”. ‘Course, it didn’t help havin’ a singer called ‘Kip’. I mean, how excitin’ is a frontman gonna be who’s named after an afternoon nap?! And, let this be a lesson to bands out there at the might and influence of the cartoon character! I mean, look at ME back in my Kerrang! comic-strip daze – who do you think was single-handedly responsible for the demise of Brit-rockers Skin an’ Little Angels!? Eh? Eh? I HAVE THE POWERRRRRR!
7th December 2023
7th December 2023
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS! Girl got the moves! Cannot stop eyeballin’ the dance scene from the ‘Woe What A Night’ ep, which takes place at the annual Rave N’ Dance at Nevermore Academy! Wednesday shakin’ ‘er bits to to The Cramps!? It’s tooo much! No, I correct myself, it’s TOOOOO FUCKIN’ MUCH! Timothy Burton – yer KILLIN’ ME! And the choreography – spliced together from all over the Goth gaff, is…to DIE FOR! Sexy as HELL! And not to mention ooky an’ kooky.
LOZEAK. The TikTok Titanesss says her mesmeric new single ‘Cutthroat’, is about bootin’ toxic people outta yer life. Me, I don’t invite ‘em in, in the first place! Still, I’m lovin’ the accompanyin’ pic to the toon; this Norwich lass is really gettin’ a-head in the world. Did I really just say that? I did, didn’t I. Move swiftly on, shall we…
BABYMETAL. Silence is golden. For their Japanese shows in Jan, the gals are gonna section off an area, which is to be called the SILENT MOSH’SH PIT. No shh-it! In this designated pit, fans will be encouraged to not inconvenience other gig-goers by talkin’ loudly, shoutin’ or cheerin’. Internalise that fun! Contain that excitement!
HUBBY AND THE GANG. Violence is golden. I’m bein’ spoilt; after the Linda Lindas gettin’ all Festive on our asses, now Hubby And The Gang have stepped up to the Xmas dinner plate with ‘Violent Night (A Christmas Tale)’! And what a Punky Glam stomper it is! Would that make it ‘Pam’ or ‘Glunk’? Whatevz, it works, churnin’ bass et al! Front-geezer Charlie exclusively tells me, “I wrote it in my bleedin’ van, freezin’ bleedin’ cold, cos I’m tired of hearing’ the same bleedin’ four songs on repeat over the season”. Better make that FIVE, Charlie-boy, as this baby is goin’ in the mix right alongside Mariah, Wizzard, Mud an’ Slade! IT’S CHRIIISTMAAAAAAAS!
GUNS N’ ROSES. Droppin’ the mic. Followin’ an Australian lady bein’ hit in the face by the mic Axl tossed into the crowd after final toon ‘Paradise City’, the frontman says he’s no longer gonna perform the ritual. Says Axl,“In the interest of public safety, from now on, I’ll refrain from tossing the mic to the fans”. Which is both sensible and a shame. I mean, Ax, mate, why do you have to ‘toss’ it? Couldn’t you just place the mic in a nice gift box an’ gently hand it to a crowd member?
DEVIN TOWNSEND. These B&P columns are s’posed to be about fun, but, sometimes the reality of reality rears it’s ugly head an’ ya can’t ignore it! The Devster has been talkin’ ‘bout tourin’ bein’ more expensive than ever. “There’s no way to keep it within cost,“ he sates,” – there’s NO WAY”. It’s soberin’ and it SUCKS! So, the next time yer at a club gig, just remember to appreciate the struggle that band may have gone through to entertain you for a night. For those about to Rock – we salute you more than ever!!
ALICE COOPER. Billion Dollar Baby. Everyone’s fave shock rocker recently staged the Annual Christmas Pudding Fundraiser in Arizona! And, no, I’m not puddin’ you on – it’s a REAL event! Big Al does it every year, hence the ‘Annual’. Said an excitable Coop regardin’ the excitement, “We are excited to be celebrating our 2Oth year with a stellar line-up of talent who dedicate their time and passion to help us raise funds for our Rock Teen Centers”. Exciting guest-stars included Rob Zombie an’ Sammy Hagar. So, yeah, good on Alice, musta raised a quid or two.
TWISTED SISTER. Released by Rock And Roll Beauty, it’s what every girl’s been waitin’ for – a Twisted Sister makeup collection! And, apart from the garish slap, the limited-edition range also includes cosmetics bags, nail decals and, bizarrely…a mirror!? I, of course, wasted no time in gettin’ Mr Dee Snider round to personally embellish me with the subtle shades. And, voila – Xmas Panto here I come!
Auntie, did anythin’ ever piss you off about the way Zell portrayed you visually?
Probably me tits. Sometimes they looked like two concrete footballs in a hammock. How ‘bout’choo?
Yeah, it’s just so ridiculously small, an’ looks like a ski-slope from the side! Like a fuckin’ Disney Princess! I’d like a nose more like PJ Harvey. Also, my nostrils are insane…you just can’t get a finger up there!
Yeah, well, I like my dinky schnoz. Plus, I came to a compromise with Zell about the whole finger/nostril dynamic.
Yeah, I asked him to draw me slimmer fingers.
FUUUUUCK! That’s GENIUS!
17th November 2022
17th November 2022
First, I gotta apologise – we’ve had a few complaints about my ‘feem toon’ keepin’ people awake at night with its ear-worm bombardment of…PANDORA! PANDORA! PANDORA! PANDORA! Sorry ‘bout that. May I suggest mindplugs?
Also, others have raved that they love our Blood & Peroxide ’views on the news’ so much, that they’ve begged we go DAILY! C’mon, kids, this is all brand new – we’re still workin’ shit out! Baby steps. Baby steps.
Also, someone DARED ME to release a Secret Cheese An’ Pickle Sandwich ClubT-shirt! Have you EVER encountered me? You DO NOT dare ME! Plus, it’s a secret…and I have no idea what yer talkin’ about….
MY BFF HAYLEY WILLIAMS
PARAMORE have done a surprisin’ revamp of the cover their 2013 self-titled album…which I can neither confirm or deny, I had anythin’ to do with…! But, there it is, streamin’ on all platforms, our Hayles wearin’ a denim jacket with ‘GROW UP’ spray-painted oh-so-very-stylishly-yet-street on the back! But, why? We don’t know why. Maybe next year’s album ’This Is Why’ will answer…why.
GREEN DAY have officially told me that they have officially been recording official new music in London an’ LA. And that’s official. An insider on the inside unofficially officially informed me, that some workin’ song titles are ’Combat Wombat’, ‘Green Jellybeans Are Radioactive’ and ’Sonic Marzipan’. Although, these titles could, as they say, be subject to change. In the meantime, the punky trio triumphantly reflect, “WTF – what a year!”. Ah, an’ who knows what glories the future holds for our heroes. Me, I’m just lookin’ forward to possibly stuffin’ my ears with Sonic Marzipan…
THE LINDA LINDAS have released a Christmas single! See – it CAN be a perfect world!! ’Groovy Xmas’ literally fizzes with Yuletide effervescence… an instant remedy for indigestion an’ heartburn! And take in these lyrics, ‘We’ll all watch Charlie Brown’s Christmas/ Then Home Alone, Elf, and The Grinch/ Same playlist every year /Mariah brings the cheer’. They nail it! An all time Xmas classic – and it’s only JUST been released! And, me, I’m inspired – next year I might release a Halloween single as The Pandora Pandoras…
KEVIN CONROY, the voice of Batman has been tragically taken from us. Famed for his intelligent and intimidating portrayal of the Dark Knight on Batman:The Animated Series, Conroy made it near impossible to accept anybody else voicin’ him! When DC produced a Batman animated movie without him – you just shouted at the screen, “Why didn’t you idiots just use Kevin!”. Conroy is irreplaceable. We will miss you so much, Mister. So fuckin’ much!
ME OL’ MATE GENE SIMMONS
PAUL COOK, drummer of the Sex Pistols, reveals that he’s disappointed that they never released a follow-up to ’Never Mind The Bollocks..’. No. Just, no. Woulda been a big mistake Huge. Massive. Cooky-boy literally is talkin’ bollocks….
OZZY OSBOURNE says he doesn’t want some Johnny Depp-type actor playin’ him in his impendin’ biopic, instead, preferin’ an unknown. Oz actually phoned me on the batphone to see if I had any ideas. And, for the life of me..I couldn’t think of any unknown actors that I know of! Maybe the unknown actors are all unknown. I mean, who is YOUR favourite unknown actor? Meanwhile, Johnny Depp is more than welcome to play me…
MIKE BATT…remember-member-member him as the genius behind The Wombles’ hits? Well, he’s unearthed an’ unleashed some old prog rock epic he recorded back in ’72, ‘Variations On A Riff – Reflections On A War’. It features guitarist Chris ‘Motorbiking’ Spedding, who, many believe played on the Pistols album(bollocks!), and, who, like Batt, went on to dress up as walkin’ carpets The Wombles on Top Of The Pops. But, c’mon, some o’ those lyrics were KILLER! Who could forget Super Womble: ‘He flies into your window when you’re trying to get some rest/ You know it’s Super Womble cos his name is on his chest’! CLASSIC!
GENE SIMMONS blasts the Stones! No, not Jagger’s mob – KIDNEY STONES! The Kiss’ bassist had to go to hospital to have his internals zapped(by Dr Love?) to remove an excess of the annoyin’ little buggers. “Just cleaning the tubes,” informs Gene, ”looks awful, but really no big deal”. Yet, bein’ as a kidney stone is made from chemicals in the urine, they were literally takin’ the piss outta Kiss! Whatever, we here at Blood & Peroxide wish The Demon a speedy recovery. And, I’m sure we can expect the stones, medical gowns, masks and head coverings to appear in the Kiss Merch Store any second now…
So, Pandora, what’s the story with yer annoyin’ ‘feem toon’?
The directive was simple, it had to ROCK an’ say ‘Pandora’ quite a lot. The only thing I wasn’t happy with, was the ‘Bitch Bitch’ reference.
Well, yeah – cos it’s mine!
Had no choice, we couldn’t think of anythin’ else that rhymed with, ‘cheese an’ pickle sandwich’.
Erm, ‘itch’, ’snitch’, ‘Abercrombie & Fitch’.
Riiiight, like I’m gonna have ‘Abercrombie & Fitch’ in my kick ass theme tune!
Ditch? Rich? Glitch?
La-la-la, not listenin’…!
7th November 2022
7th November 2022
So, what the hell is this deal? Well, peoploids, every occasionally, me an’ my Auntie P are gonna do our take on what took our fancy durin’ the week; if it’s news – then it’s fair game. Sooo, if fun ain’t yer thang, then you’ve got off at the wrong stop.
MY BFF DAMIANO DAVID!
Taylor exclusively informed me that, “Feeling the luckiest person alive to take these brilliant artists on tour w/me,” before swiftly (no pun intended) whackin’ it on social media!? Nice. Cheerz, Swifty.
MANESKIN (don’t know how to put that little ‘o’ thingy over the ‘A’) have sensationally revealed that their new album, set for release in Jan, will be titled ‘Thrush!’. Which, may explain the band’s individual reactions to a skirted personage leapin’ over ‘em on the album artwork. Oh, wait, no, sorry, there was a smudge on the press release – the album is in actual fact, titled – ‘Rush!’ One assumes recent stuff like ‘The Loneliest’ and ‘Supermodel’ could be included, yet, an insider informs me that one new track is titled ‘Satanic Bunnies Eat Pencil Sharpeners’. Although, another insider, who is even more on the inside than the original guy, insists, that that title may be subject to change.
FRANK CARTER & THE RATTLESNAKES ragin’ new track ‘Parasite’ makes me wanna itch. An’ scratch. An’ shower in bleach. Yeah – it’s that fuckin’ good! I was so vibed on the first hearin’, I kicked over me coffee table! Still, Frank exclusively informed me, that he cannot take responsibility for breakages in the home of excitable listeners. Carter an’ the Rattlers will be takin’ over the London Underworld for three nights in early December. So, peel yerself off yer piss-stained, semen-soaked, flea-infested mattress an’ get down there!
POPPY reveals she will not be the main character in her next Z2 graphic novel Tit Tat, instead, it features new characters she co-created. Explains ultra-talented Pops,”Tit Tat merges superpowers, suspense and weird fiction into a bombshell graphic novel”. Can’t wait! Don’t wanna wait! Where’s my advance copy?! In fact – why ain’t I in it!!!
GHOST have uploaded the latest instalment in their ongoin’ vid series – ‘Chapter: 14 Road Trip’. And, rather than enjoy it, I tried to make sense of it. Especially Cardinal Copia’s confusion over residue from Papa Nihil’s shart. I mean, surely ectoplasmic discharge from a phantasm isn’t beyond feasibility! As for the rest of it…ain’t got a fuckin’ clue. Did watch it 200 times, though, and now have a restrainin’ order from YouTube.
ME OL’ MATE STEPHEN PEARCY!
MICK MARS is steppin’ down from Mötley Crüe due to his ongoin’ battle with the degenerative disease Ankylosing Spondylitis. Really sad. I’m not a major Crüe fan, but dug Mars’ playin’. The crunchin’ riffs on the ‘Shout At The Devil’ album, really…crunched. Always loved to hear a single solid guitarist battlin’ away – like Jonesy in the Pistols! So, gonna miss ya, Mars. Can’t believe they’re replacin’ you with that stoopid robot from that rubbish 80s movie.
WENDY O. WILLIAMS’ ’85 Camden Palace show is set be released on video on Nov 18, subtly titled ‘WOW: Live And Fucking Loud From London!’! Also, Lemmy ’n’ Wurzel from Motorhead join the High Priestess of Metal for ’Jailbait! I mean, whaddaya want – jam on it! Our Wend was a major inspiration of mine and her single with The Plasmatics, ‘Butcher Baby’, is my all-time fave song! Wendy’s sandpaper larynx over chainsaw and chainsawed guitars! A headbangers’ delight, that even graciously cuts out for ‘oh yeah-yeah’s’ and ‘oh no’s’ to give one’s noggin a brief respite from whiplash.
We miss ya, Wend! Oh, yeah-yeah!
STEPHEN PEARCY of Ratt has collaborated with Writers & Rockers Coffee Company for his own line of signature coffees. Turns out, when he comes off stage parched an’ drippin’, our boy Stevie likes nothin’ more than…a slug o’Jack? Why, no – a steamin’ hot cup ‘o Joe, natch! Anyways, all ‘blended to his specifications’ Pearcy’s collection includes ‘Hollywood Wired’, ‘Double Shot’, ‘Ultra Nitro’ and, named after Ratt’s biggest hit – ‘Round And Round’. Although, I think he missed a trick with ‘Out Of The Cellar’ cut – ’The Morning After’. C’mon! Wake up an’ smell the…well, you know. Plus, wasn’t there that Desmond Child produced album ‘Percolator’…
DOLLY PARTON wants to reunite Led Zep to play on her planned rock album, which will feature ’Stairway To Heaven’! Dolly has previously recorded the infamous guitar-shop irritation bluegrass-stylee, but now wants to go for full on rock-cred by ropin’ in Planty an’ Pagey. And, if anyone can charm ‘em into it – it’s the First Lady Of Country! In, the meantime, any rumours you may have heard of Ms. Parton, Jennifer Finch, Joan Jett and myself teamin’ up to form a superstar side-project called The Dollywood Vampires, is total bollocks…